December 19, 2025 How to Fight Fair and Actually Resolve Issues
“It’s not what you say - it’s how you say it that strengthens a relationship.” - Unknown
Listen to, or read this meditation:
Every relationship worth having will eventually hit a bump. Whether it’s with your spouse, your teenager, or your best friend, disagreements are part of being human. The question isn’t if you’ll fight - it’s how you’ll fight when the moment arrives.
Fighting fair isn’t about being polite while you’re angry. It’s about remembering that the person across from you matters more than winning the argument. It’s choosing connection over being right.
Here’s the golden rule: attack the problem, not the person. When you say “You always ignore me,” you’ve just put someone on the defensive. But when you say “I feel lonely when we don’t talk during dinner,” you’ve opened a door to understanding. See the difference? One blames, the other explains.
Timing is everything, friend. Never try to resolve big issues when you’re exhausted, hungry, or already frustrated about something else. Your brain can’t think clearly when your tank is empty. It’s okay to say, “This matters to me, but let’s talk about it after dinner when we’re both calmer.” That’s wisdom, not avoidance.
Listen like you actually want to understand - not like you’re just waiting for your turn to talk. Most fights continue because both people feel unheard. Try this magic phrase: “What I hear you saying is…” and repeat back what they said. Sometimes people just need to know their feelings landed somewhere safe.
Avoid the word “always” and its evil twin “never.” The moment you say “You never help around here” or “You always criticize me,” you’ve exaggerated, and the other person will spend energy defending themselves instead of hearing your real concern. Stick to the specific situation in front of you.
Here’s something beautiful: you can apologize for your part even when you’re not entirely wrong. Relationships aren’t courtrooms where someone gets declared innocent and someone guilty. Most conflicts have two sides, and owning your piece - even if it’s small - can melt walls faster than anything else.
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict from your life. That’s impossible and honestly, kind of boring. The goal is to fight in ways that bring you closer instead of tearing you apart. To disagree without damaging. To be honest without being harsh.
When you fight fair, something wonderful happens: issues actually get resolved instead of buried. Your relationships grow deeper because you’ve proven you can weather storms together. And you model for everyone watching - especially your kids - that love is strong enough to handle disagreement with grace.
Your Action Step: Next time you’re in a disagreement, pause before responding and ask yourself: “Am I trying to win, or am I trying to understand?” Choose understanding, and watch what shifts in your relationships.
© 2025 Detroit Flanagan
All rights reserved
